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Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S26 E12: The Most Dramatic…Whatever


Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and Coke

This season is finally, finally over.

Last week we learned that despite being in love with Rachel and Gabby (and convincing Gabby to stay), Clayton still can’t get over Susie, who left because he slept with the other women.

Pudding is pretty sure this is going to end in tears. Mine.

Spring is here (well Wisconsin spring) so she’s enjoying having her window open so she can yell at people. The garbage man. The mailman. Every man. The Man.

My Siamese cat Pudding lays in her cat tower next to the window

We open with Clayton staring pensively out a window.

“There’s so much going on in my head right now,” he says.

“I doubt that,” my husband says.

Jesse shows up at Susie’s hotel room. He asks Susie to give Clayton another chance.

Clayton is talking with his parents when Susie walks in. Clayton looks shocked. They go outside and she tells Clayton she was shocked at how things ended. She said the way he turned on her in the argument was when her feelings about him changed and that she felt like she couldn’t even defend herself.

“It was humiliating if I’m being honest. I felt like a stray dog who had come into your home and you were shooing me out. I was already embarrassed about the conversation. If you had love for me as a person, how could you treat me like this? You made me feel wrong, and bad, and that to me was the heartbreak,” she says.

YES GIRL YES.

His response. “I didn’t mean the things that I said,” and “I got to the point because I saw myself losing you.”

Oh fuck no. That is gaslighting and straight up abuser talk.

He asks for a second chance. She says no, then stabs him with a cleverly concealed knife.

Okay that last part didn’t happen, but I wish it did.

I just cracked open a White Claw.

Click for me

two women toast white claw and say the claw is the law

Susie says she doesn’t know if she can give him a second chance and leaves.

Clayton says his heart is with Susie, which means he has to break up with Gabby and Rachel. He feels bad because ONE LITERAL DAY AGO he told them both they could be his wife.

He shows up at the hotel room where both women are staying because HOLY SHIT, he’s going to do this at the same time.

YOU FUCKFACE

Leslie Knope says hes's a monster

He says, “I realize it’s not feasibly possible for me to be in love with three people like I said I was. And everyone deserves someone to give them 100% of their heart, and unfortunately I just can’t be that person with either of you.”

Rachel looks like she's going to cry

Gabby gets up and walks away. Rachel starts to cry. Clayton follows Gabby and I swear that woman deserves to be allowed to dick punch.

Click for Gabby

Jerry from Parks and Rec says I just wanna choke him

“I’m pissed because I spent the last two days away from my friends and my family who actually give a shit about me, and you don’t,” she says. “You asked me to stay because you were pissed and your pride was hurt because Susie left.”

He makes mouth sounds about his feelings being real.

“One time it was going to be my decision, but now it’s your decision so it’s easier,” she says.

This girl gets him and he’s fucking terrified. He has this panicked, flushed look because she’s cutting through all of his BS with a sword.

At one point she says, “You sound actually ridiculous because you don’t want to admit that you’re wrong.”

Then she points out he doesn’t care about them enough to even break up with them separately. He asks to walk her out and she says, “No,” with this glorious combination of disgust and implied “are you fucking stupid.”

So then we go back to the studio audience. Gabby is there to talk to Clayton and hopefully tear him apart. Grandpa John is there and gives her a giant hug.

Clayton sits next to Gabby

Clayton makes noises about being real sorry.

She tells Clayton he pit the women against each other. She also tells him that he never stopped to consider her or Rachel’s needs. At one point she implies that he might not be smart/mature enough to communicate effectively, but does it in a really subtle way. It’s like when you’re mad at the dog for shitting on the rug but realize the dog doesn’t understand it, so your anger is pointless.

We cut back to Iceland where Clayton goes to apologize to Rachel who is crying. She points out she was the only one willing to stay with him a few days ago at the Rose Ceremony.

She tells him letting her go will “haunt” him. “You didn’t give me anything,” she says through tears.

He asks if he can give her a hug and she lets him. GIRL NO.  Once she’s in the car she sobs and points out that he never shed a tear. “He was never in love with me,” she says.

Rachel’s dad Big Tony is in the studio audience and we see his reaction to the footage. Man, if I was Clayton I’d have security check the parking lot for Big Tony and Grandpa John before he leaves. Actually his own dad might get in on the action too.

Rachel is in the studio in LA. She says watching the footage was like an out of body experience and she was completely blindsided. She says she’s ready to see Clayton, but he doesn’t deserve to talk to her.

Hell Yeah

a cartoon woman waves her first and says yes girl

She tells Clayton he was disrespectful and selfish.

He apologizes and she says she doesn’t believe him. She says she doesn’t believe he was in love with her at all. She asks, point blank, “Did you tell me you loved me because you wanted to sleep with me?”

He says no.

Click for me

David from Schitt's Creek rolls his eyes and says k

Back in Iceland, Jesse delivers a letter from Clayton to Susie. He asks her to meet with him. Clayton waits for her in a candle-filled hall. Susie does show up (WHY).

I’m not going to recap Clayton’s ridiculous speech because it’s ridiculous.

Clayton proposes to Susie

Clayton proposes. Susie says that the kind of love she has for him, isn’t what he has for her. She’s not ready to commit him and she’s made the decision to leave Iceland alone.

YAS GIRL

Bill Murray applauds

She says she’s not his person and he’s not hers.

Clayton asks her if it’s really over or if she needs more time. “To me it’s not over until you tell me it’s over.”

THAT’S WHAT SHE FUCKING SAID, CLAYTON.

“I feel like it’s over,” she says.

She hugs him and leaves.

We cut back to the studio in LA. Clayton reveals someone reached out to him after the show and they bring out Susie.

NO!!!!

Click for me

A man says I am untethered and my rage knows no bounds

She says they are back together.

Clayton and Susie cuddle on the couch

He gives her the final rose.

Then they announce that both Gabby and Rachel are the next Bachelorettes. And that’s it.

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